Paris Hilton

Editorial Review

TURKEYS OF THE YEAR..! When tucking into your turkey on Christmas Day, please remember that there were other sacrifices made this year by those less fortunate than you. No, make that far more privileged than most of us, and usually by artists who had more money than sense. Crimes were also committed by record labels that followed their usual protocol and put bucks ahead of taste. It all boiled down (or roasted up) to CDs that simply shouldn't have happened. So how about a personal list of 12 of the phattest birds from 2006 who really should have gotten stuffed…

1) PARIS HILTON – Paris Hilton
Lets be honest – there's no way that she should be allowed to run with scissors, let alone make an album. But she did, and it proved that with some pen-by-numbers lyricists and a good producer, even she could convince people that she was a singer. A very few people admittedly.

[Gobble rating 5/5 – prime plucker]

2) KATIE PRICE AND PETER ANDRE - A Whole New World
Husband and wife collections rarely work – even when both halves are singers, which rules out this duo completely. Some truly horrible cover versions picked here too. Utter nonsense. Big on implants, lacking everything else.

[Gobble rating 5/5 – pass the sage & onion]

3) EMMA BUNTON – Life In Mono
If in doubt about your music, just show a lot of leg on the sleeve and you'll be fine. Her pins are admirable, the songs not. But at least she wasn't a former fellow Spice dumped by a failing Hollywood star who got her up the duff first.

[Gobble rating 2/5 – well toned thighs a good turkey make]

4) THE FEELING – Twelve Stops And Home
They did hugely well and ended up with one of the biggest albums of the year. But this was a CD that your Gran would like as much as your kid sister - and that's not commendable is it. Somehow The Feeling managed to make middle of the road sound blander than the worst ever Bread album.

[Gobble rating 4/5 – goes with Bread sauce]

5) ROD STEWART - Still The Same...Great Rock Classics Of Our Time
Still the same? Yup. Would any self-respecting singer want to give up making original music and just regurgitate a never ending trail of cheesy cover versions instead? If it keeps the mrs in designer shoes, why not.

[Gobble rating 4/5 – the parson's nose]

6) MEATLOAF - Bat Out Of Hell 3: The Monster Is Loose
Beware those who follow up dodgy sequels with even dodgier tri-quals (or whatever you call the second sequel). Not really the monster being loose, but more like the heffalump being less inspired, more respectable, and distinctly middle aged.

[Gobble rating 2/5 – more loaf than meat]

7) EAST 17 – The Platinum Collection
Put it this way, to have some sort of super best-of album, you have to (a) have hits, and (b) have hits that people still want to remember. Lovable as they were, East 17 are lacking on both counts. Bless 'em.

[Gobble rating 1/5 – it wasn't their fault]

8) BADLY DRAWN BOY – Born In The UK
On his fourth real album, Damon Gough fizzled out. Gone was the everyman wispy whimsy that was his downtrodden glory before, as little held the attention here. The fairies in the garden magic had gone, and his woolly hat seemed passé. Shame.

[Gobble rating 1/5 – he's vegetarian after all]

9) JANET JACKSON – 20 Years Old
…and it sounded like it. And not in a good way either.

[Gobble rating 5/5 – she still thinks she's the bird]

10) JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - Future Sex / Love Sounds
The funkier first half of this was not bad at all, then he got all sloppy on us. And that was truly nauseating. Bang your head against the wall "I'll love you till the end of time" sort of tripe.

[Gobble rating 2/5 – at least there were some meat morsels on the bone that didn't give indigestion]

11) ULTIMATE BOY BANDS (2CD) – Various
Classic compilation including timeless tracks from Let Loose, Bad Boys Inc, Damage, and 911. They were bad enough the first time around, so would anyone really want to re-live those precious moments again? Worse than the re-hashed jokes from a Christmas cracker.

[Gobble rating 5/5 – but all the turkeys were perfectly formed]

12) SOFT ROCK BALLADS (3CD) – Various
The tracks really aren't that bad, with a few long forgotten classics in there. But who in their right mind would want to have a CD with this title on their shelves? It's tantamount to saying "I have no taste in music and hard isn't my thing".

[Gobble rating 3/5 – who wants a floppy bird]

What? No mention of the recent 'The Love Album' from Westlife, Take That's 'Beautiful World', or the new Il Divo set 'Siempre'? No need – some things speak for themselves.

Happy turkey day y'all!

Neil Chase
Music Editor
December 2006

Additional Info

• Recording: STEREO
• Format: Single Case

Tracklisting